Letting go of a son as he enters late adolescence (ages 16-20) can be one of the most heart-wrenching experiences for a mother. This transition is essential for the boy to enter manhood and develop a deeper sense of self. He needs to separate from his parents to enter this new world. This journey demands the support and presence of fathers and male role models, our beautiful, supportive mothers have to step back. Renowned parenting experts offer profound insights into this crucial phase of development, emphasising the need for mothers to adjust their roles and for fathers to step up. 

Maggie Dent, a well-known advocate for boys' education and development, emphasises the importance of this transitional phase. She states that "letting go is not about losing them but about allowing them to find themselves" (Dent, 2018). During late adolescence, boys are navigating the complexities of identity, independence, and responsibility. A mother's emotional attachment can sometimes become a hindrance, albeit unintentionally. The natural protective instinct can stifle a boy's ability to explore his autonomy and make critical decisions. 

Dr Justin Coulson highlights the necessity of this detachment for healthy development. Coulson explains, "For boys to become men, they need to experience the world with a sense of freedom that allows them to grow into responsible, independent adults" (Coulson, 2019). This is not to diminish the mother's role but to redefine it. Mothers need to transition from being the primary caregivers to becoming supportive guides who trust their sons to navigate the challenges of adulthood. 

The heartbreak of this process is undeniable. The bond between a mother and her son is unique and deeply emotional. However, this pain is a natural part of the growth process. Steve Biddulph, a renowned psychologist and author, articulates this beautifully, "A mother’s love must transform into a different kind of support, one that respects the young man's need to separate and define his own path" (Biddulph, 2013). This transformation is vital for the boy to develop confidence and self-reliance. 

During this critical period, the role of fathers and male figures becomes paramount. Biddulph stresses the importance of a father’s presence in his son’s life, asserting that "boys learn to become men by observing and interacting with their fathers or other male role models" (Biddulph, 2013). Fathers need to step up, provide guidance, model positive behaviours, and offer the wisdom that comes from their own life experiences.  

For mothers, this means stepping back and allowing this father-son dynamic to flourish. It requires a shift from being the primary emotional anchor to becoming a supporter from the sidelines. Dent advises mothers to "focus on building a new kind of relationship based on mutual respect and understanding" (Dent, 2018). This new role involves being a confidante, a listener, and a source of unconditional love, while respecting the son's need for independence. 

This male influence helps boys understand what it means to be a man in society, instilling values and behaviours that are crucial for their future. We know that there is a large number of our boys, however, who are without healthy strong males in their lives. As a mother stay on the lookout early in the boy's life for good males such as coaches, school teachers, youth group leaders etc. Good men are everywhere if we are open to seeing them. 

The journey of letting go is a bittersweet yet essential process for mothers. By allowing their sons to step into manhood, they enable them to grow into responsible, independent individuals. Fathers and male figures must rise to the occasion, providing the necessary guidance and support. As Maggie Dent aptly puts it, "In letting go, we give them the wings to fly and the strength to soar" (Dent, 2018). Embracing this transition, though challenging, is a testament to a mother's enduring love and commitment to her son's growth and future. 

Adolescent boys need their mothers, it is just in a different way now. Be their biggest cheerleader, speak life and love into them, and let them show you that they are good men. One day, they will become great fathers and husbands. 

Mr Byron Hunt - Counsellor

Calvary Christian College